We have talked about the parent child relationship and described it in our model of relationship as being two distinct circles,one for each person with the relationship itself being what lies in between.
I have encouraged you to look to your own circle first to know what is going on with you before you look to the child’s circle to try to figure out what might be happening for them.
Let me say this,until around the age of three years old the child doesn’t have their own circle,meaning they don’t have a separate sense of self.
The birth of the child is not the same as the birth of the individual and the child’s sense of self takes up to three years to be felt as individual and separate from mum. I’m using Margaret Malher’s model of the stages of separation from her
The psychological birth of the human infant to break down the gradual process that needs to take place for a sense of self to emerge.
PHASES OF SEPARATION
FUSION
0-3 Months.
This stage is called fusion. The experience for the infant is total unity with the Mother and takes place between birth and the first three months of life. The baby is protected psychologically from the shock of physical separation from the mother at birth by this fusion.
In the weeks after the birth,the baby remains safe psychologically by experiencing no differentiation between mother and himself. His reality is anchored in her and without her he does not exist and suffers the terror of non-being.
The mother confirms his existence by bonding,this is the time when a Mum ‘falls in love’with her baby. When she looks at him with kindly eyes and sees the special unique child he is and reflects this back to him showing him who he is in the world. She becomes aware of his physical and emotional needs through her own sense of empathy with her child.
Donald Winnicott gave us a wonderful image for this stage of the child searching for a sense of self,with the picture of a mother gazing at the baby in her arms while the child gazes back into the others eyes and finds himself therein….
SYMBIOSIS
3-6 Months.
This stage is called symbiosis. It is the stage where the child begins to experience a kind of dual unity with mother. By this I mean that the child recognizes that mum is separate but his sense of self is still anchored in her,he believes himself to be the same as mother.
He learns that there are times that she is not present and becomes insecure without her,experiencing non-being when she is not there. For this reason he may only be able to tolerate short absences.
He is beginning to differentiate between stimuli,(a light is experienced differently from a hunger pain) but as yet he has no clear sense of inside and out or himself and mum.
He is still completely dependent on her recognizing his needs but is now developing some sense of special relationship with Dad and other significant care-givers.
HATCHING
6-10 Months.
During prolonged periods of wakefulness the child now becomes more alert and attentive to his surroundings. He makes efforts towards separation such as touching mums face,pulling at her hair,putting food in her mouth and straining away from her in order to have a better look at her and his environment.
He is learning that he and mum are different. He learns to soothe himself through transitional objects such as a teddy or blanket in mums absence and is beginning to develop some memory functions.
This is often the stage a child is at when they first come into day-care. It is important that the child become familiar with the new surroundings in the mums presence and sees relationship with her and the baby’s care workers.
By encouraging frequent short visits by mother and baby before the mother goes back to work may ease the initial transition for the child. When mum is relaxed and confident about the care provided for her child it will be easier for her to leave him,thus developing an attitude of partnership in care of the child.
PRACTICING.
10-16 Months.
This stage is overlapped by the last but contains three developments that contribute to the child’s first steps towards separateness and individuation.
1. The ability to move away physically from mother by crawling,paddling,climbing and righting himself.
2. Establishing a specific bond with mother,this allows her to be absent as the child is reassured that she will return.
3. The growth and functioning of the ego apparatuses in close proximity to the mother. He is now developing some sense of self in the presence of a loving adult.
RAPPROCHEMENT.
16-24 Months.
With the acquisition of free upright locomotion,(walking) closely followed by the cognitive development that will culminate as speech,the child emerges as a separate individual with a sense of self.
Paradoxically this separate status increases his anxiety about separation. It is new and scary for him to feel so alone and he will shadow mum/care giver for a time. This is the stage when the child stays close to the mum,then darts away and then runs back. He is learning to manage his anxiety about being separate. This Peek- A-Boo stage is how the child tries out being alone in a way he can manage. He needs a lot of reassurance from the parent that it is acceptable for him to leave and then return for comfort whenever it is needed.
While we as adults refer to this time as the terrible two’s,it is only terrible for us. For the child it is a powerful experience,his new sense of self is given expression,which makes him feel like master of the universe. The toddler at this stage is very sensitive to disapproval and will defend his newly felt autonomous status with the “NO”.
How the adult responds to this NO has direct impact on his sense of self and its acceptability.
The NO is the first statement of individuation.
By saying NO to you,he is saying Yes to himself and this YES is how he tries out using his own will. The NO generally has little to do with the refusal to comply with your wishes but rather a desire to have his will confirmed. This may be a very new way to perceive the NO but it is one that makes handling this age group a lot easier. When you need the child to do something rather than getting up in a battle of wills,e.g.,put your shoes on please.= NO. You might try,which shoes are you going to wear the blue or the red? This way the child has to choose thereby exerting his will and you get what you need done quickly
There may be a tendency to project adult thinking onto a child of this age,which might lead one to draw the wrong conclusions about the child’s needs or misunderstand the value of the need being expressed. The NO is a need for the child to have his individuality affirmed by you and not a contest where strong will is necessary.
CONSOLIDATION OF INDIVIDUALITY.
24-36 Months.
The final stage of separation comes at around three years of age. The third year of life is an extremely important intra-psychic developmental period,for it is during this time that the child attains a self-boundary.
The child will continue to assure himself primarily through mirroring provided by Mum/Dad. The child’s self-boundary is becoming more defined and now he is beginning to fill in the pieces like a jigsaw puzzle to form a self-image.
He will only accept aspects of himself that are acceptable to you. Sensations,emotions and expression that are not respected by you will be repressed in an effort to continue to be loved,thereby limiting his self-expression.
The body,feelings and mind are all vehicles for our being in the world,each with potential for expression of the individual’s innate creativity.
As the young child grows older the self-image consolidates,s/he may become more strongly identified with one of three aspects or parts of who s/he is:the body,feelings or mind. Each one develops within us over time,but trauma or conditioning may cause development of any one of them to become arrested,thereby limiting the capacity for Self-expression.
How this happens is unique to each person but a child who is very pretty,good at ballet or sports,and is only ever praised and admired for their strength or appearance will naturally identify their sense of self in the body. This pleasurable affirmation of the body self can then become the strongest identification for the child and while it is a positive experience it may be detrimental for the development of other two aspects,mind and feelings.
The same applies for the child who is affirmed only for being emotional,“so full of life”or “so dramatic”. These children may grow to believe that what they feel is all that is real about them. The over identification with the emotional self may cause them to devalue the mind and body as unimportant.
If the child is only affirmed for her/his academic ability s/he may only identify with the logical rational mind. It may become a defence against feeling the emotional self or a means to become disconnected from the body self.
The mind is what gives us our capacity to self-reflect and it develops along side the other two aspects,receiving and collating information and making sense through the development of cognition.
It is important that the mind can include and facilitate the ongoing development of the other two. When we show open positive regard to all aspects of the child’s self-expression we nurture SELF-ESTEEM. Babies and young children learn by example and experience as words at this stage have little value.
Your message of acceptance,respect,tolerance,love and care must be demonstrated rather than explained. At this,more than any other time in the child’s life,Actions speak louder than words.