Relationship rather than role.
If you see parenting as a job you do or a role you play rather than a relationship you are in,then certain misconceptions may be hidden in the dynamic between you and your child. Let me begin by bringing to light some of the most common of these.
Firstly when seen as a job parenting can also be viewed as part time,especially if a parent works all day or if for any reason the parent does not live with their child all the time. You are not and cannot ever be a part-time parent,you are either the Mum/Dad or you are not.
Let me say here that step parents and grandparents have separate and equally valid relationships with the child but it is not the same as the parental relationship even when it satisfies much of that function.
Secondly,the idea that parenting is a job brings with it all the personal connotations,both negative and positive people have around their work. This can vary from an over-identification with the job itself causing the parent to lose their own personal identity,or becoming over competitive about parenting can cause losing sight of the actual child in their care.
Thinking about parenting as a job brings with it a perceived lack of choice with the ‘I have too’ scenario. The idea of a job being difficult or hard work may also urge in some parents the feeling of ‘not good enough’,which in turn may bring up feelings of resentment towards the child.
Lastly and perhaps most damaging is the idea that if parenting is seen as a job,then there must be a right and a wrong way to do it. Parents,especially new parents often feel they don’t have either the specialised skills or the training necessary to do the job right. The list of do’s and don’ts coming from all side may be offered with the best of intensions but sometimes only serve to bring a struggling parent back into their own childhood experienced causing them to react to the past rather than respond to their own child in the here and now.
All this changes the instant we shift perspective from role to relationship. Relationships requires two people,you and the other even if the other in this case may be a very small person. The moment you start thinking like this you are on the way to becoming the best parent you can be.
When we look at the parent/child relationship we find two separate individuals,you and the child and both need to be fully included when considering parenthood. The real trick with this is to firstly understand and know what’s going on in your own circle,in other words knowing yourself.
Sounds simple but it means really understanding where you are coming from in any given moment,what you are thinking and feeling etc.
It’s only doing this you know who is actually doing the parenting on any given day and it may not be who you think is in charge.
A mum/dad who is distracted,stressed or hurried is not essentially present to the child and therefore may not be able to see the true needs of either in the situation. It’s only when you become present to your self that you can truly be present with your child. It is only the place of presence that you can really see the whole child standing before you.
Once you have established some relationship with yourself,it is not too difficult to take it one step deeper and begin to recognise your highest Self present in that stillness. That spark of divinity you once acknowledged in your infant’s eyes is also present in you. We will call this the Self.
The more you get to know your Self the more you will be able to affirm it in your child as they grow. From this perspective parenthood becomes a Spiritual task as you consciously undertake the stewardship of a soul and at the same time enriching the experience for the whole family.
Within psychosynthesis this way of seeing is called bi-focal vision,which is not so much a technique as an attitude,one that respects and values the Higher Self of all. Engagement with this aspect of the child shows a committed interest in the unique and mysterious nature of their true Being. Children learn best by example so they will accept this message better through your actions rather than any words you may say.
Affirming the Self as you engage with your child on a daily basis simply by your attitude of respect helps you as parents become the spiritual leaders of your whole family group. You will teach the little ones that the Higher Self exists following the core principle of psychosynthesis is that,Self is.