Communication is a two way street and sometimes as parents we can be so focused on the message we want to impart that we forget to listen to what the child is trying to say to us. Words may be the only unclear aspect of what your child is trying to communicate so active listening will help make clear the message s/he is trying to impart. Active listening means that we do more than simply hear. We are not only receiving sounds but rather we are trying to understand their meaning.
Being an active listener means being engaged with the child,becoming present with a sense of purpose and awareness of one’s own feelings and responses. It means being congruent with these in your communication with the child. Meaning and message may be two different things and it is up to you as the adult to seek out the message.
Active listening means employing all your awareness,your experience and sensitivity when the child is speaking. You must take into account the context of the conversation,observe movement and body language and listen for tone and expression of what is being said.
Remember the most important thing is the child is trying to communicate with you and even if you don’t fully understand what message s/he is giving,you are still in relationship when you receive their effort with love.
Children need face-to-face conversation,especially when it comes to language learning. They cannot be expected to pick up words or meanings out of general conversation not directed at him/her. Pay attention to background noise,radio or TV as they can raise the sound levels of the whole group and this may become frightening for some children.
Be respectful of the child who likes a bit of peace and quiet now and then and if possible provide a quiet space for this purpose. Active listening means you are not just listening to the child you are also listening to yourself and the words you use. Are you clearly giving the message you want the child to hear. A child may hear the words you say and not always understand the subtle intention of what you meant. So think about how you speak and be clear about instructions and directions.
Is your language age appropriate to your child? What is the quality and tone of your voice? Does your body language reflect interest and attention? These are questions you may ask yourself to begin to see to the subtle messages you give. Young children are very sensitive to these subtle messages and if you say you are interested when you obviously are not,the message will be confused.
This creates doubt within the child about his burgeoning communication skills and may cause a withdrawal. Children always assume that they have got it wrong rather than the adult and what they will question is their own ability to use language to communicate.
INCLUSION.
The Trouble Tree invites children to acknowledge worries and express them in a safe environment created by the parent. I first came across this idea in a creative visualisation by Jenny Wall and found it so inviting that I began to use it as a communication tool in my practice. I found it to be most successful with young children but a modified version may be created for older children so I would invite you to take it on and make it your own.
Listening in this way presents other kinds of challenges for parents as hearing that your child has troubles or worries can be very painful. As adults we tend to sometimes think of childhood nostalgically choosing only to remember carefree days of sunshine and happiness. Upon deeper reflection inside your own experience I’m sure you will remember that it was not always experienced thus.
The Trouble Tree is not about solving problems so it removes the need,if not the urge to makes everything better. Your role in this exercise is to facilitate the child’s discovery and identification of his own distress. For many parents in the beginning it is difficult to listen quietly and not go into FIX-IT mode. You may of course clear up any misunderstandings and troubles of that nature at a later time but the exercise is one of recognition and release;active listening will serve you both as you learn to engage in this way.
Allowing your child express small hurts in this way sends them the message that they are part of ordinary life and shows that they do not have to be suffered alone. It also shows the child that you have confidence that they can and will overcome them by acknowledging them first then letting them go.
THE TROUBLE TREE
If you are willing to explore this idea further you may choose to set aside some dedicated one-to-one time at the end of the day to fully explore this exercise with your child. Encourage your child to play along thereby beginning the practice of reflection.
Pay attention to the physical needs of both first. Are you sitting comfortably,warm enough,been to the loo and have a drink of water nearby.
This defines the space clearly and it is up to you as the adult to hold this boundary throughout. When the space is created begin.
Take your time with this and ask your child to close his eyes and see if he can look at his belly button from the inside. Remember you are introducing him to his inner environment,so notice things like his breathing and wait until he is relaxed and ready to move on.
Ask the child to imagine taking a walk in an outdoor environment that would be restful for him. Guide him to notice smells,textures,sound etc,as you evoke all his senses. Then gradually describe to him a path that leads to small woods which has a clearing at its centre.
Again include the senses and pay attention to his breathing as small children can easily fall asleep if this part takes too long. The clearing is where the child will find his Trouble Tree. Let him describe it to you and no matter how nonsensical it may be that is the right tree for him.
Once there,invite your child to search inside his body for any troubles from the day. Guidance rather than direction is the key,but much like adults children tend to store tension in their tummy,the back,the neck or he may find that for him it is somewhere else. W here ever the child say it is,is the right answer. There does not always have to be troubles but by including them you give a child the message that it’s normal to have distressing feelings.
Once located the troubles are taken out of the body and hung on the low branches of the Trouble Tree for the wind to blow them all away.
At first your child may be shy to speak his troubles out loud and remember it’s your response to what he says that will be pave the way for further disclosure. A little one may feel worried if you were angry with them during the day and it has to be safe enough for them to say this without you going back to the incident justifying why you were cross.
For the parent this is an exercise in listening as the child learns to differentiate and express his emotions. The child learns that his body relaxes and releases tension with expression and he feels secure in the knowledge that he is loved even when he feels bad. For you it also helps to differentiate between the child and his behaviour as your understanding of his inner world increases.